Quotes from Norm vs. Dad

Dad: What the hell have you done lately?
Artie: I ate the whole pie.
Dad: He ate the whole pie.

Norm to Laurie: I'm never going to tell you anything again. You know why? You listen.

Laurie: You said he was abusive.
Norm: I never said he was abusive. Don't twist my words. What I said was that he would regularly beat me.

Mr. Denby: Let me ask you a question.
Danny: Oh, sure.
Mr. Denby: You're a toad of a man, and yet your ex-girlfriend Taylor was a beautiful woman.
Danny: Uh, well, that's really less of a question and more of an insult, sir.

Artie: Dad comes around you fall right back into your old habits.
Norm: Sorry, Artie, I couldn't hear you through your mouth full of self-esteem.

Norm: You never gave me a compliment my whole life.
Dad: That's not true. Remember when I told you your prom date had a nice rack?
Norm: Yes, I remember, it was a toast you made when we had dinner with her parents.

Norm: So, how is he?
Dr. Edwards: He's a horse's ass, but he'll probably live forever like most evil people.

Laurie: I think denying the truth is never a good idea.
Norm: Heh heh, that's a good one. Why don't you sew it on a pillow?

Dad: We're still father and son... thanks to your mother.

Norm: I haven't seen you for about fifteen years.
Grandpa: Time flies when you're chasing Vietnamese strippers.
Norm: Yeah, that's what they say.

Grandpa: How much for a table dance?
Laurie: Well, for a charming fellow like you, nine billion dollars.

Grandpa: I had three heart attacks. The third one, I didn't even leave the whore house. I just called downstairs for a skinnier whore.

Grandpa: If the king of Egypt calls, tell him I'm taking a wizz.

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